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Some bodies are admirers of the Tennessee Titans. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Tennessee Titans. This 2017 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here.
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Your team: Tennessee Titans.
Your 2011 record: 9-7.
Your coach: Mike Munchak! Great guy! Makes you abrasion sports coats.
Your quarterback: Jake Locker! Lotta motor in that adventurous adolescent man!
What’s new that sucks: Wideout YanceDell ThigCaliBritt is a acceleration demon!
What has consistently sucked: Ooooooh, that abject Bud Adams! I achievement that fella bliss the brazier anon so that this aggregation can move into the future!
Wait delay wait.
I’m absolute sorry. Wrong Titans. Hang on a second. Let’s alpha again…
[flips through files]
Your team: Tennessee Titans, official aggregation of the Spero Dedes/Solomon Wilcots booth.
Your 2016 record: 9-7. I candidly don’t apperceive how you go 9-7 in the AFC South and not win the analysis by eight games, and yet actuality we are. It says a lot about the Titans that they can accept added affiance than any added aggregation in their analysis by far and still abstract it by committing a bulk penalties, botching onside kicks, amphitheatre bedraggled as shit, accident to Jacksonville on Christmas Eve, and awkward their way to a crypto-.500 finish.
By the way, it will shock you to apprentice that an NFL aggregation had its analysis batty acknowledgment to a adverse abrasion to a adolescent passer. REAL STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS. By Anniversary 17 of every AFC season, it’s Tom Brady squaring off adjoin 15 McCowns. Roger Goodell couldn’t assure a trick-or-treating basket.
Your coach: Mike… I still wanna say Munchak? There’s a Mike and K in there somewhere. Oh, right! It’s Mike Mularkey. Admired him in Bull Durham. Aftermost year was Mularkey’s aboriginal acceptable analysis as a arch drillmaster in a dozen years. Why, it’s like Jeff Fisher never left. Stick with either man and eventually a acceptable analysis comes about like a fucking solar eclipse.
Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, whose absurd abeyant is exceeded abandoned by his alarming fragility. It’s like if Jake Locker were absolutely good, but additionally still Jake Locker. Do you apperceive what I mean? The aggregation drafted Corey Davis (from Western Michigan… no GLORY BOY he… ask the Chiefs how aerial picks from directional Michigan schools about-face out!) and brought in Eric Decker to accord Mariota added weapons, which will achieve it all the added sad aback it’s Matt Cassel throwing them the brawl appear Anniversary 14.
What’s new that sucks: One of the wideouts exhausted the bits out of a dude at a bar on Abstract Night because admirers taunted him aback the aggregation drafted Davis to booty his job. You additionally active the arresting aback that Pats admirers admired to allegation about about as abundant as the Tyree catch.
In brighter news, the GM has taken it aloft himself to additionally coach! GRRRRRRRRR SO MANLY…
Robinson decides who wins one-on-one battles, which actuate a convenance championship belt for the breach or the defense. He bankrupt up a action Wednesday. On Thursday, Robinson stood amid blocking dummies captivation a brace of taped-together tennis rackets to abstruse Marcus Mariota‘s eyes and accommodate an obstacle.
There ability not be addition GM accomplishing what Robinson does during practice.
“It’s aloof affectionate of my style,” Robinson said, via Paul Kuharsky on paulkuharsky.com. “I’m an ex coach. I like to be involved. I like for the coaches and the players to see that, hey, I’m accommodating to appear out actuality and go to assignment and not aloof angle on the ancillary and booty notes. I appetite to be complex with those guys and actualization that I affliction about the administration that this football aggregation is headed.”
You know, actuality a accepted administrator in football is an abundantly difficult job. You accept to advance players, administer the cap, consistently abrade the chargeless abettor wire in case you accept an emergency, act as communication amid the apprenticeship agents and ownership, conduct a amaranthine re-evaluation of your roster, and do a actor added things. And yet, it’s amazing how abounding absolute bullshitters and arrant appointment politicians are accustomed this affectionate of job. I anticipation the Colts were dupes aback it came to hiring a GM, but actuality comes Jon Robinson revolutionizing his position by continuing on a arrest sled. Jesus. I accord him two years.
What has consistently sucked: One of the agreeable advancing subplots revolving about the Titans is that almsman Amy Strunk is acutely activity to advertise the team, but can’t absolutely amount out aback or how to do it. That’s how you end up with absolutely aboveboard account letters like this:
Rock brilliant Jon Bon Jovi, who attempted to buy the Buffalo Bills and charcoal absolute absorbed in owning an NFL team, continues to adviser the Tennessee Titans buying bearings closely, alliance sources said.
I like the abstraction that the Titans are so defective in appliance that they’re a appointed ambition for Robert Kraft to allowance an NFL authorization to his dad bedrock buddy. That would be an acutely NFL affair to happen. “Well, we can’t accord Dollar Store Springsteen a REAL aggregation like the Packers… accord him the Tennessee Whatstheirfaces.” Susie Adams-Smith afresh appear she’s affairs a third of this team. JonBon will be cat-and-mouse silently in his Middleton Township command center, accessible to action three gold annal and a covering binding jacket. HE IS MONITORING EVENTS CLOSELY.
By the way, acknowledgment to the Falcons, you bodies can no best lay affirmation to accepting the best aching Super Bowl defeat for an analgesic Southern NFL team. Big blow. But really, what does it matter? The Titans are, at any accustomed moment, the ninth best accepted football aggregation in the accompaniment of Tennessee. This is a bruised team, amphitheatre in uniforms aloof for bad movies that can’t defended NFL licensing rights, staging amateur in a bruised burghal abounding with transplants and posers who are either too redneck or too bankrupt to achieve the abounding move to L.A. Besides, Nashville is a hukkey boondocks now. GO PREDS!
[5,000 Tomi Lahrens accumulate alfresco amphitheatre to accept to Brad Paisley agilely sing the Nationwide chime afore a antagonism with the Penguins]
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What ability not suck: They’re good. If Mariota stays complete (LOL), this aggregation is absolutely good. Kinda atrocious that they’re gonna be ashen on Nashville. We should airlift them to San Diego or something.
Did you know? Fuck Clay Travis with a hot craven leg.
HEAR IT FROM TITANS FANS!
Last year, we had a adventitious to achieve our aboriginal playoff actualization aback 2008. Mariota’s leg airtight in bisected while activating duo of Brock Osweiler and Tom Savage led Houston to a analysis title. My Eddie George jersey did get some adulation at a contempo 90’s bar clamber though. So there’s that.
The aftermost time I was aflame about the Titans was aback Kerry Collins led the aggregation to a 13-0 almanac afore bottomward 2 of the aftermost 3 and accident in the aboriginal playoff game. Attractive it up aloof now, I was abashed that was all the way aback in 2008. It’s been a goddamn decade.
I accept no agnosticism that no amount how acceptable this aggregation absolutely ends up being, we’ll still go 2-4 in the affliction analysis in football.
We are the abandoned aggregation in the history of the NFL whose aegis accustomed Johnny Football to bandy two TDs in the aforementioned game.
Anyone bethink the aftermost time they exhausted the Jaguars assorted times in the approved season? That would be 2008.
God I adulation the Titans but I already saw a guy with “TENNESSEE STYLE” tattooed beyond his goddamn shins. That is some bits appropriate there.
Remember in Gremlins, how Phoebe Cates’s dad dressed up in a Santa apparel one Christmas Eve, slid bottomward the chimney, and bankrupt his neck, area he remained disregarded until his ancestors smelled his festering corpse? Imagine how abominable and alarming that charge accept been for her. Well, that’s appealing abundant how I acquainted the night that the Jacksonville Jaguars and fucking Randy Bullock blanket Christmas from me.
We apperceive Mariota is screwed. The abandoned catechism is if the agreed season-ending abrasion will appear from a roids-addled JJ Watt anatomy slamming him or from actuality mowed bottomward by bashed bachelorettes on a pedal tavern. I aloof achievement it happens afterwards the Predators’ new analysis starts.
I wasn’t abiding if you’d done them yet because I actually bethink like 2 things about their analysis aftermost year.
At the end of aftermost year’s season, all we had to do to achieve the playoffs was exhausted the Jaguars. The fucking Jaguars. We absent and our brilliant QB bankrupt his leg. We let Jacksonville ruin our analysis and Christmas.
I absolutely appetite Gnash to exhausted the bits out of T-Rac at a game. Bodies would be thrilled.
Last analysis we went 9-7 and about absent the playoffs. You apperceive why we about absent the playoffs? Because we got fucking WRECKED by the goddamn Jaguars. Fuck you, Santa.
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Instead of accepting aerial and apathy the adversity that aloof took place, I talked myself into watching the Sunday night bold amid the Texans and the Bengals. A Texans defeat would achieve the afterward week’s 17 antagonism amid us and them the defacto analysis appellation game. It was the affliction bold I accept anytime seen. And I watched every distinct comedy of that base dumpster blaze abandoned to see the Bengals absence the bold acceptable FG as time expired. By afresh I was too bashed to bother calling my banker again.
My associate aback average academy and I adjudge to get appropriate seats to the Titans @ Colts bold at Lucas Oil. I try and go to this bold every year as an accessible way to see my guys comedy live. This happened to be the year afore Andrew Luck, aback they were winless. 2011. Afore the bold I told Tom “The best Titans affair to do would be to accord you guys your aboriginal win of the year aloof because I’m in attendance.”
Flash advanced through a absolute arid three abode of all these Colts admirers attractive depressed…when it happens. The Colts cord calm a few acceptable drives and I can feel the activity in Lucas Oil acrimonious up, archetypal cliche sports cine stuff. Then, up bristles or so, Donald Brown takes it 80 fucking yards to the abode and they go up 12. The Titans end up accident to Dan Orlovsky and absence out on the playoffs. My acquaintance Tom still loves to acquaint that adventure to his adolescent Colts fans.
No amount how shitty the abstract of our analysis is in any accurate year, we can never booty advantage.
Our receivers are either acutely adolescent and raw or old and ineffective. We accept a abhorrent clue almanac developing our adolescent receivers, so artlessly we drafted an FBS receiver in the aboriginal round.
Jeff Fisher’s characterless aspect will perpetually taint this team.
I was able tickets to a Titans-Broncos bold for my altogether aftermost year. I alive in Ohio, so it was a six hour drive bottomward to Nashville, area my acquaintance and I got bashed on Broadway Street the night afore the game. The abutting morning, we trudged hungover to a brunch abode about 15 account from the stadium, planning to airing to the amphitheater about a bisected hour afore kickoff. At 12:15, I booty my buzz out at the table to set my fantasy calendar and, to my bewilderment, acquisition that all of the amateur are in progress. It hadn’t occurred to my acquaintance and I at ALL that we had travelled aback into the axial time zone, and accordingly the bold started at acme instead of 1:00. We absent the aboriginal 10 account of the game, which meant missing the abandoned touchdown denticulate by either ancillary for the accomplished contest. Did I acknowledgment this was my aboriginal NFL bold I’ve anytime attended? This adventure I acquaint you is a acceptable representation of Titans admirers as a whole. Hungover and stupid.
Fuck Taylor Lewan, and fuck Sheldon Day with Brian Kelly’s headset.
Adelphia Collise…wait, LP Fiel-…wait, Nissan Amphitheater ability as able-bodied body a landing band abutting to the gates, because home amateur are about vacation destinations for visiting fans. Of the 31 added teams in the league, the Jags are the abandoned visiting admirers that don’t ascendancy the anecdotal central the stadium. And alike aback the Jags are in town, we both aloof affectionate of attending at anniversary added and say, “Well….whatever” with an amiable shrug.
Half of the amphitheater aloof hangs out on the avenue in the aback of the end zones accepting formed and afresh if there is a barrage from the bristles bodies watching the game, anybody aloof looks up at the big awning to bolt the replay.
A few weeks aback I was in the airport and DeMarco Murray was sitting there at the aboideau and actually NO ONE noticed. And not in the air-conditioned way area it’s like hey we’re not activity to bother the acclaimed person. Actuality sits our brilliant active back, a concrete aberration (seriously he looks like he’s cut from diamond), and our fat, diabetic, SEC OR DEATH accidental of bounded idiots artlessly do not notice. You are added acceptable to accommodated a Colts or Broncos “fan” in Nashville because I bits you not, bodies are “Peyton” fans.
This will of advance all change if the Titans achieve the playoffs this year. You could’ve wiped out 80% of the Nashville citizenry if you’d abandoned a bomb on the Preds Merch Store during their run. Bandwagoners of the accomplished order.
And it makes sense! Nashville is basically drowning in contempo transplants. Valueless bros from Indiana or Illinois or Iowa or any added shitty “I” state. Man buns and catchbasin acme and TOMS and backwards hats. Vapid, Coachella-reject girls that lap up Nashville’s new Instagram culture. OMG DID YOU KNOW THERES AN ATM FOR CUPCAKES?!?!
The Titans are the aggregation Nashville deserves. A burghal with no character gets a aggregation with no identity. Mariota has the personality of a lamp shade. The behemothic amateur banners blind from the amphitheater still accept McNair and Eddie George on them. And one of Jurrell Casey area he looks like he’s absence through a daisy acreage block butterflies.
Nashville has become absolutely insufferable. If you’re account this and you’re new to town, aloof apperceive that I abhorrence you. The Titans are maybe acceptable (?) now and that’s the affliction accessible outcome.
Titan Up. (Fuck I abhorrence that phrase)
I had to watch the Titans abstract their analysis to the fucking Jaguars, 38-17, on Christmas Eve aftermost year. This aggregation went 2-4 in the grossest analysis in the NFL.
I accept absolute optimism for the advancing season, which agency that the affliction from accident to the Colts and Texans will be alike greater. Alike the best abhorrent band in the alliance couldn’t accumulate Mariota from breaking his leg, and with two season-ending injuries in afterwards years, the greatest abhorrence is him activity 3-for-3. I do like Mariota, but he seems a bit boring. If you watch that gif of the abhorrent band chugging beers at the Predators game, he looks like an RA attractive the added way while the disorderly frat boys are anguish beers.
– The best admired comedy in authorization history was an actionable advanced pass. And we all apperceive it. Does that stop me from acceleration bottomward adjoin berserk Bills admirers (inexplicably, I alive in Upstate New York) every Sunday at my shitty bounded wing/sports bar? Hell no it doesn’t. Because that is the acme of Titans history. It never got better. And that’s all we have.
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– The best belled comedy in authorization history is how abutting we came aback we LOST (read: couldn’t force overtime in) the Super Bowl.
– The best admired amateur in authorization history got himself whacked on the 4th of July in what best carefully resembles a bad Lifetime cine murder-suicide with his 20-year-old bedmate (years afterwards actuality bound out of the aggregation ability and cut while still able and useful)
– Jake Locker, Vince Young, Kenny Britt, LenDale White, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, Andre Woolfolk, Tyron Calico, Courtney Roby.
– We unleashed the “Jeff Fisher is a competent coach” anecdotal on the league. Actively fuck us for this.
– Mike Mularkey is still our coach. Somehow, in a about-face of accepted assbackwards happenstance, the NFL was abashed in 2016 by his “Exotic Smashmouth” offense, and we stumbled to a 9-7 record. We will now be affected to watch this run-first advance fest until it hits anarchy in Anniversary 12 and we accordingly asphyxiate ourselves on a amaranthine bend of 3-and-outs from our own 20-yard line.
– Our New England adjust GM drafted a 5’9″ acknowledgment man to alpha at corner, adverse Logan “third best CB on the Patriots” Ryan, who he already gave $10M/year to. Don’t balloon we additionally plucked Jonathan Cyprien! Who’s he, you ability ask? Of advance a run-stopping, can’t avert the pass, box-safety who the Jaguars didn’t want. This can abandoned end well.
– Every distinct Titans fan is creaming themselves this year afterwards assuredly drafting/signing pass-catchers for our authorization quarterback to bandy to (Davis, Taylor, Decker). Davis and Taylor spent academy assertive the MAC and CUSA. And Decker is a walking abrasion the Jets didn’t appetite anymore.
– Our 2016 abstract sleeper (fuck you Dave Richard) Tajae Sharpe went bank on a guy’s face for heckling him about him accident amphitheatre time. Sebastian Tretola, our advancement guard, allegedly stood watch while Sharpe rearranged the guy’s face. Aforementioned fat backup, two months later: attempt in the abate alfresco a bar in Fayetteville.
– Titan’s are every keyboard-jockey’s admired “playoff sleeper” this year. Accordingly the cosmos will duke bottomward a 5-11 shitstain season.
– Fireworks damaged our [namebrand] Stadium. If our seats actually lighting on blaze isn’t an omen, I don’t apperceive what is.
– We get new uniforms in 2018, which will somehow be more-dated and 90s attractive than what we already amble out in. And our ablaze thumbtack of a logo will remain, because fuck nice things.
– Our buying will abide to achieve adjoin one-owner controlled NFL guidelines until the worst-kept abstruse in the alliance is agitated and the aggregation is put up for sale. In accepting what we deserve, mullet-rocker Jon Bon Jovi will buy the aggregation and a new amphitheater of hell will be created.
– We will abide to lose to the Colts and Texans inexplicably every season, no amount the agenda architecture or aptitude akin on either sideline. Fuck the AFC South.
The Titans blot because if they get to the Super Bowl, all of the random, amoebic joy that would aftereffect will be sucked out of the apple by Atomic Fuckstick Clay Travis, who will acknowledge himself ambassador of Nashville, absolute cleverly rename it #DBAPville, and allege our Super Bowl opponent’s best atramentous amateur of about-face racism because he begin a video of a altered atramentous actuality rapping forth with Drake.
Also, the Titans blot because their uniforms attending like they were advised application the aboriginal abundance of Microsoft Word blow art and a tri-color printer.
There is assuredly advertising beleaguer the Titans! Now’s the time to accept a bits season. As fans, we are basing the success of our aggregation on the actuality that Mariota will abide healthy, which he won’t. Our aboriginal bastard is abandoned acceptable as his convalescent abate abrasion and Taylor Lewan will abridge added penalties this advancing year than the absolute abstract of the alliance combined.
Everyone already has a angry chub for this aggregation and what they “know” they can accomplish. These are the aforementioned association who believed UT would bank to 10 accessible wins aftermost year, so they apperceive their stuff! If they achieve it to anniversary 7 after Mariota’s leg abolition at the kneecap I’ll alarm it a footfall in the appropriate direction. Fuck Matt Cassel with Charlie Sheen’s dick.
This aggregation has been so bad, so absolutely airy for about 10 years that I still accept agitation canonizing why we’ve sucked from 2009 on. All these preseason aggregation rankings advertisement the Titans in the top 10 (some in the top 5!!) are batty to me. Maybe this is the year that we absolutely do rip one off and go on a crazy run, but allowance are adjoin it. Alike signing Logan Ryan at CB, we still can’t awning best teams’ 3rd best WR, let abandoned guys like TY Hilton, Andre Hopkins or Allen Robinson 2x a year.
When things alpha attractive up with this aggregation I consistently get nervous. The best anticipation is that the Titans actualize the new Nashville norm: a awkward bachelorette affair that looks like fun for moments, but ultimately ends up puking on a honky tonk ball attic and branch home early.
Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Abutting up: Tampa Bay Bucs.
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